you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
