if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
