There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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