Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
