if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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