Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
