The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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