Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
