it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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