you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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