My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
True strength comes from lack of pants
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
