I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
