Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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