i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
