let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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