i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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