I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
only you would photoshop your dick
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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