no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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