im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
