It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
