my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
