im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
