If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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