god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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