It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
