I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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