I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
