the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
