His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
