Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
