The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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