using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
