oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
