Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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