i was born a porn star she said
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
