once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
