I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
