And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
