im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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