I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
