i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
