just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
