Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
