I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
