He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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