I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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