i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
