I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
