im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
