If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
