Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
