i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
